If you are tired about me writing about my issues as a student with marginalized identities, then you are most likely part of the problem. We live in a capitalist society which places more value on specific types of labor that require access to educational opportunities. The labor undervalued are upholding the capitalist hierarchy. Our value as people has been also determined by our societal contribution and productivity. Lately, I’ve been questioning my own capabilities and if I am a catalyst for change. I have been correlating my self-worth to how I am able to make a change in the world. I also question my self-worth if I did not have access to education.
In the college setting, I have attributed my self-worth to my academic success. As a first-generation college student, advancing myself and acquiring higher education means everything to my community. I carry my communities and my family on my back because they helped me get to where I am right now – a first generation immigrant and college student at an elite, private institution. Therefore, failure does not ever seem to be an option for me.
How does capitalism and my being a first-generation college student connect? I have questioned whether I belong here sometimes. I constantly feel like I am not contributing enough for the campus. I feel like I was not prepared to enter this elite and white space because I cannot confidently say I am intellectual. There are people who are pushing me to attain a 4.0 GPA. I spend countless hours on my assignments, attend office hour sessions, seek tutoring, apply to leadership roles, do community service, etc. Yet I constantly ask myself, am I doing enough? But the bigger question is: why am I questioning my productivity and agency?
As a way to take care of myself and my mental health, I have been attempting to shift my lens on productivity and success. I am reflecting on the amount of work and time it took for me to get here. I am reflecting on past achievements. I am recognizing that none of my success is trivial regardless if the change solely impacts myself. I am unlearning that failing is equated with disappointment and unworthiness. My ability to thrive in an academic setting does not determine my worth.