In one week, some of you will be lying on a beach with a drink and a bottle of sunscreen. A handful of students could be camping off a random country road – where you'll probably attempt to pitch a tent for ten minutes, only to resign to sleeping in the car. Then after 3 minutes of using matches, start the fire with gasoline. We've all done it.
That's all fine and dandy for you guys, but I'll be at home, wearing a bathrobe. Let me make this clear: except for the last sentence, today's column is not a Dave Jorgenson Pity Party. That was thrown a few nights ago. Instead, let's focus on the activities that inevitably will take place for all us DePauw Tigers kept in our cages over spring break. (Get it? We're tigers in cages). Yes, this column includes another one of my lists. No, I didn't steal the Expectations/Reality concept from (500) Days of Summer – I borrowed it.
Expectations
Exercise: If you can't show off your washboard President Casey abs at the beach, why not go to the gym and get that body even more toned? Cue Rocky theme music.
Write back your grandparents: Every Grandma loves to send care packages. I get newspaper clippings about how awesome Nebraska Football will be. My last package had a Red Lobster Gift Card (awesome). Maybe they actually deserve a letter back.
Read a book: Remember what it was like to read a book that wasn't assigned to you? I forgot too, but I'm pretty sure it's actually a surprisingly fulfilling experience.
Go on a road trip: Pack up the dog, some extra clothes, and some old easy-to-convince friends and you're off! Though gas is around $3.50 a gallon, it's not getting any higher. Also, sing "Life is a Highway" until a fellow passenger attempts to strangle you.
Sleep: Not too much, just enough to feel well rested again.
Reality
Acquire Weight Zebra cakes usually do me in. Don't forget second breakfast, elevensies, fourth meal and every-time-you-walk-past-the-kitchen.
Watch Forrest Gump: TBS will be playing it most of the week or it will air on ABC Family's "Countdown to the Countdown to the next Countdown of 25 Days of Christmas." Some of you might be inspired to go runnin'. But I doubt you get past the Alabama state line.
Read Harry Potter…again: This happens to me every time. But if you start pointing at the television remote, shouting "Accio Remote!" you've been reading way too much HP.
Go to Taco Bell: And go multiple times. Did you know the beefy crunch burrito is only 99 cents? Score!
Sleep: a lot. Then, sleep some more.
Torment the Cat: Ole' Whiskers was never good for anything. Might as well just throw him at your sister's face while she's sleeping.
So, you people that will actually be doing something with your life, remember the rest of us – sitting at home, eating thin mints and watching Spongeob. For now, I'm going to post an announcement on e-services. Wanted: Ride to anywhere but home. On an unrelated note, if anyone brought chain-linked fence with them to college, an e-services listing has been desperately requesting some for about a month now.
— Jorgenson is a sophomore from Shawnee, Kan., majoring in English writing and film studies. opinion@thedepauw.com