Gabrielle Duong is a junior
biology and psychology major
from Diamond Bar, California.
CHRISTA SCHROEDEL / THE DEPAUW
Small talk is defined as “polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters.” We usually engage in small talk when we’re conversing with people we’re still getting to know, such as acquaintances, classmates, and people we’ve just met. Granted, small talk serves many useful purposes, such as opening conversations, reducing awkward silences, and keeping in touch with old friends; however, we’ve become so conditioned to view social behavior as absolutely positive, that avoiding small talk is considered rude.
Personally, I’m not a big fan of small talk. As an introvert who is easily bored and exhausted by small talk, I’d like to end the conventional idea that friendliness necessitates small talk. I opt out of meaningless conversations not because I don’t like you and don’t want to be your friend, but rather, because I would prefer to spend my time “big” talking with you and getting to know the "real" you. Simply put: I would be far more inclined to engage in a mentally stimulating and progressive conversation than to participate in a stagnant one.
Often times, people feel obligated to ask, reply and reciprocate routine small talk questions. But such interactions feel very mechanical, much like feeding questions into a mathematical function as an input, and receiving formulated responses as an output. For example, inquiring, “How are you?” will surely elicit the ambiguous response, “I’m good” (putting aside the various grammatical issues with that statement), after which you’ll part ways without having learned anything new about each other or having established a deeper, more personal connection.
Most people don’t expect you to launch into a detailed account of your day. Although small talk is socially disarming at first, many people are afraid to progress on to deeper, more meaningful conversations simply because they don’t want to offend others or be rejected. Consequently, relationships built on small talk remain superficial.
Small talk, as we know it now, ultimately stunts the growth of a budding friendship. This is a particularly frustrating issue for those who are genuinely interested in your well being and want to hear what you have to say, but still ask the same boring questions in typical small talk fashion. Although their intentions are good, their questions do not lend themselves to the thoughtful responses necessary to lead a conversation from small talk to “big” talk.
By making a simple adjustment in the way we approach people, we can easily break out of the initial “acquaintanceship” stage people tend to get stuck in. I challenge you to put a little more thought into formulating the questions you ask others in order to segue from small talk to “big” talk with those you interact with.
Rather than doling out perfunctory greetings such as “How is your day?” and “How is school?,” ask for specific details. This will provide a good starting point for the other person to give a meaningful response with concrete information. For example, if you know your friend watched a movie recently, skip the uninspired inquiry, “How was it?” to the more colorful, “On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate the movie, and why?” Or, if you’re talking to someone who is feeling under the weather, try to follow up the usual, “How are you feeling today?” with an actual question such as, “Are you feeling any better than yesterday?” or “Is there anything I can do to help?”