Nine years ago, Eric Wolfe ‘04, now a greek life coordinator, lavaliered his girlfriend, June ‘04, during their junior year at DePauw. Six years later, the couple married on East College Lawn and June became June Javens-Wolfe.
Wolfe, then president of Phi Gamma Delta fraternity, said he lavaliered Javens-Wolfe, a member of Delta Zeta sorority, in order to express his commitment to her. For Wolfe and his wife, a lavaliere was a significant part of the commitment in their relationship, but Wolfe explained that showing commitment is different according to campuses and greek affiliation.
The idea of lavalieres was foreign to his friends on other campuses, Wolfe said, who instead expressed their commitment to their significant other by living together — an arrangement that was not possible with Wolfe and Javens-Wolfe during their time as undergraduates.
"I think lavaliering and pinning are definitely a big deal especially when you look at what it stands for," said sophomore Taylor Richison, a member of Delta Upsilon fraternity who is dating Brianna Scharfenberg, a sophomore member of Alpha Phi sorority.
The decision to lavaliere a girlfriend signifies that a fraternity man places his girlfriend on the same level as the brotherhood, Richison said. Whereas pinning a girlfriend indicates that the boyfriend is placing his significant other on a level above the brotherhood.
"I think that's an awesome sign of your love for that person," he said.
TOUGH LOVE
Sometimes, Richison said, fraternity members will "punish" a brother who chooses to lavaliere or pin his girlfriend, and that members of some fraternities might be more likely to make the decision to lavaliere their significant other based on whether or not the consequences of lavaliering or pinning are less harsh in that member's particular campus chapter.
"I think it's a problem with our fraternities now that those things occur," Wolfe said of lavaliere-related punishing activities. "They're absolutely hazing…I think our chapters need to be very careful about how they treat people and instead should want to help their brother or sister celebrate that milestone in their relationship."
According to Wolfe, a fraternity chapter was charged through community standards for hazing because of lavaliere related punishing during the fall semester.
"I don't think it's necessarily that, ‘We're mad at you,'" Richison said of the message sent by such punishing behaviors. "It's that you are saying that someone's more important than the brotherhood and because of that, you need to be punished because of the vow you made initially to the house."
Richison said the punishment the man may have to go through shows how much he really cares about his significant other.
"If you're willing to go through that for someone, through that punishment, it says a lot about how much they mean to you," he said. "I think that's a big reason. I mean the greek system is a lot about commitment, and lavaliering and pinning just further shows your willingness to be committed."
Sara Drury, a junior member of Pi Beta Phi sorority who has been dating her boyfriend since freshman year, doesn't see lavaliering and pinning as something worthwhile in her own relationship.
"It's a great tradition, it's a really cute tradition, but it's very much for the girl," Drury said. "The guy doesn't really get a benefit out of it."
Drury went on to explain how, while the woman may find the notion special, the man may suffer ridicule or harassment from his brothers.
"In my relationship, it's not what I'm looking for," Drury said. "It's having to make a public statement of how your relationship is."
When a women in a sorority is lavaliered the occasion is often followed by a candle pass ceremony, a tradition that reveals to the woman's sister whatever milestone, be it a lavaliere, pin or engagement, she has experienced.
Drury said she sees candle pass ceremonies happen more for engagements than for anything else, especially since she has observed couples in which the woman was pinned break up, which lessens the significance of the gesture.
HOOKING UP OR SETTLING DOWN
When looking at DePauw dating culture as a whole, both Drury and Richison don't see as many committed couples so often as hookups. Wolfe said that during his time at DePauw many people dated but that there were very few committed relationships.
"A lot of dating done at DePauw is more hooking up in the first couple of years of college," Richison said. "So I don't think they end up being relationships unless they're serious ones."
Those relationships that do form, Richison said, tend to last for a long time.
"You cannot deny that there is a hook-up culture on campus," Drury said. "I personally have been in a long-term relationship for about 27 months now. So I think it is very plausible to do a long-term relationship."
A lot of the success of relationships within the greek system has to do with whether or not those relationships began prior to the couple joining the greek system, Drury said.
Drury and her boyfriend, junior Lukas Meyer, a member of Sigma Chi fraternity, began their relationship prior to joining the greek system freshman year.
After Drury and Meyer joined chapters, Drury said, it became difficult to see each other as much because of the added time commitment of their greek chapters combined with academics.
"You could tell right away that if we wanted to make it work we were going to have to work harder," Drury said.
Once members move into their chapter houses sophomore year, Drury said it becomes harder to maintain relationships.
She said she has seen friends' relationships fall apart after joining a house because of the difficulties associated with making the "trek across campus" to the house of their significant other — a task that may prove exhausting if the couple isn't completely committed to making it work. Drury said the location of Pi Beta Phi next door to Sigma Chi has helped Meyer and her maintain their relationship.
A (GREEK) DATING CULTURE
Similar to Drury and Meyer, senior Mandy Russ began dating her boyfriend Karl Wert, also a senior, their freshman year before the responsibilities of joining a chapter really developed.
Russ, who is independent, said that her relationship with Wert, who is a member of Phi Gamma Delta, hasn't really been affected by Wert's greek affiliation.
"It's almost like I can see both sides," Russ said. "I can join his greek system when I want to…but we can also do our own thing when we want to."
Russ said she doesn't think she would be able to spend as much time with Wert if she was in a sorority.
"I know that I wouldn't have been able to go to the formal events if my boyfriend wasn't in a fraternity," Russ said. "At the same time, being independent you get to do your own things more."
Drury said independent dating culture may offer more privacy and that living in a sorority poses limitations such as rules restricting visiting hours for men.
"When people start dating in the greek system everyone knows about it almost instantaneously," Drury said. "I think there's more social pressure when you start dating in the greek system."
These pressures include deciding where to spend weekends and whether the couple will primarily hang out in the man's fraternity instead of other houses.
"It's almost like the red carpet when you go to the greek system," Drury said. "Not in the sense of it being better, but in the sense that everyone knows everything about you, and they're almost like the paparazzi."
At the same time, Drury appreciates the support she feels from her sisters and her friends in fraternities about her relationship and said that she has never heard a negative comment from her peers about the relationship.
"It's very helpful to me and very heartwarming to know that people support a long-term relationship in the greek system," Drury said.
For Richison, joining a fraternity didn't really challenge his idea of dating.
"Sometimes, you'll even hear people in my house say, ‘We wish so many people didn't have girlfriends' because then it causes more isolated focus at parties," Richison said.
While this is a topic and mentality Richison has discussed with many people, he disagrees and sees relationships as opportunities to get to know the friends of significant others.
Richison has seen many relationships and hookups, many of which he says happen before individuals join a greek chapter.
Still, Richison said the large community within a fraternity could encourage hookups, especially with men who typically share stories about their weekend activities with one another.
"I think a lot of times there's a little bit of pressure to hook up because you enjoy being in the spotlight," Richison said. "You enjoy being able to tell stories, to share stories with other people."
The attitude surrounding whether an individual prefers hookups or relationships, Richison said, depends more on age than on gender. He said he has noticed that as people get older they tend to want relationships more and hookups less.
Richison said his relationship with girlfriend Scharfenberg began when he asked her out on a date and, while he doesn't see many couples go out on dates anymore, it still happens.
Whether or not an individual prefers hookups or relationships, Russ said, depends more on the individual than on whether the individual is affiliated. Russ said she has seen an equal number of friends in long-term relationships both in the greek system and among friends who are independent.
A girl's perspective
Some fraternities even select a "Sweetheart" to serve as a representative for the chapter.
Drury was elected as DePauw's Sigma Chi Sweetheart this past September.
As Sweetheart, Drury gets to work with the fraternity in philanthropy projects and attend events with multiple chapters of Sigma Chi men and Sweethearts, such as a statewide event this month where she met the International Sweetheart, a sister in Pi Phi.
But most importantly, Drury said, her role as Sweetheart is to provide support to the members of Sigma Chi and to accept their support in return.
"Really it's about being a friend to the guys over there and someone to just be a listener and not judge and [provide] a girl's perspective," she said.
Of everything she has experienced in greek dating culture, the one side Drury wishes would change are the stereotypes that exist for chapters that might make couples hesitant to start relationships.
"Overall, I think people could be more respectful about what they say about stigmas of people in certain fraternities and sororities," Drury said. "And not tearing down a relationship and saying it won't work based on the fraternity or sorority the couples are in…give everyone a chance."