Wabash College President Kave Mann announced today the 178-year-old institution will be closing its doors for good, a decision made by its board of trustees.
"We are nothing without women," Mann said. "For years we Little Giants have denied that women are necessary in higher education, but we've realized we've been living a lie."
Hundreds of broken-hearted men gathered around the campus chapel for the announcement. The decision to shut the college down was a culmination of growing problems for the institution's health. Late last year, Warner Bros. Pictures filed a copyright lawsuit for the usage of the name Little Giants. A Wabash marketing firm had been considering changing to Smaller Giants, Not-So-Big Giants or They-Might-Be Giants. The pending suit has cost the school roughly $3 million in legal fees.
The local Goodwill in Crawfordsville reported that over 1,000 pairs of red and white striped overalls have been donated in the last 24 hours.
According to their admissions office, applications to the institution were also drastically falling. Sophomore Billy Dumn, a campus tour guide, said the last three tours he gave ended early.
"Whenever I mentioned the school was all-male, the families looked at me funny," Dumn said. "Apparently the students we were recruiting didn't understand our ‘A liberal arts college for men' slogan. I knew our average SAT scores were dropping, but come on, everyone knows Wabash is a bunch of dudes."
Mann blamed DePauw as the most significant factor in Wabash's failing. The two schools had always recruited similar students, but President Brian Casey's DePauw 2020 plan and Greencastle's recent winning of the Stellar Communities grant has given DePauw an unfair advantage, he said.
"They've always had beautiful women, but now they'll have a beautiful campus," Dumn said. "We never stood a chance."
DePauw sophomore Frank Dunk looked for positive sides to Wabash's closing.
"So that means we get to keep the Monon Bell for good right?" Dunk said. "And maybe we can use their buildings as off-campus frats!"
— Tyler James