In a sudden turn of events this morning, alumnus Dan Quayle (Class of ’69) declared himself the new President of DePauw University.
The former Vice President of the United States spoke at an impromptu press conference in East College at 5 a.m.
“I always wanted to be the President,” said Quayle.
How and why this transition was made remains unclear. Quayle answered many questions throughout the conference, but he also ignored several others.
Music Director for WGRE Gen Borman was especially confused.
“I asked him ‘Why is this happening?’ and he just acted like he didn’t hear me,” said Borman. “But he definitely did. There were only six people at the conference. We all sat at the front.”
After repeating his question and still receiving no answer, Gorman shook his head and sat back down. Quayle continued to look around, surprisingly patient for someone else to speak.
That someone was first-year Pichael Thompson.
“What are some of your sustainability initiatives, Mr. Quayle?”
“Come back to me on that one, Pichael” said Quayle, snapping with both hands and then pointing his index fingers at Thompson, as if they were guns or something. “I like where your head’s at, but next question. Someone ask me about that dining hall.”
Borman stood back up. “Uh, so what’s going on with the dining hall?”
“Oh, I think you already know the answer to that question, don’t you Gen?” said Quayle.
Borman sat back down, really shaking his head this time. Sipping his coffee, he sighed loudly through his nose.
Quayle sighed and smiled, seemingly amused.
“I spell it for you,” he said. “P-O-T-A-T-O-E. Get it? Remember that whole thing? Yeah, well I’m way past it now. I haven’t misspelled anything in years.”
When asked about what would happen to Mark McCoy, Quayle said, “Who? Never heard of the guy. That should tell you something, right there. DePauw needs leadership, not nobodies like this McFly guy. One of you guys should tweet that down there.”
An awkward silence of more than three minutes gathered in DePauw’s most iconic building. Quayle pulled out his phone and sent a couple texts messages.
“Still trying to find my vice-president,” said Quayle, chuckling.
He put his phone away and cleared his throat.
“Pichael, I’ve put some thought into your question. I’m not gonna get into all that climate change stuff, but I am serious about Mars. I’m telling you, we gotta get there.”
“To be honest, no one believes me about this,” added Quayle. “The Mars-Canal-Infrastructure is highly sophisticated, and more oxygen keeps pumping into the environment. There’ll be trees there soon! Trees on Mars. Who would have thought?”
Quayle stared up vaguely into the ceiling. The silence in East College grew larger in larger.
“What does that have to do with sustainability at DePauw?” asked Thompson.
“Do I have to spell everything out for you guys? We don’t have to be sustainable on Earth if we can be sustainable on Mars. Come on, Pichael. I know you’re a freshman and all, but I thought DePauw kids were supposed to be smart.”
Quayle, the 44th Vice President of the United States of America, was the one shaking his head this time. He checked his watch.
“All right,” he said. “I’ll be back.”
And then, leaving just as quickly as he arrived, Quayle walked outside where a helicopter hovered ready for him, just in front of the Emison Building.
Before flying away, he held up both hands to offer peace signs, and against the din of the helicopter blades he screamed unheard words.