Please enjoy the glass of milk and Kroger cookies. I know what you're thinking: "Why would I drink out of this open container? I don't want to end up on the roof!"
But listen, I've changed. I'm punishing myself severely when I spike drinks or slip drugs into open cups. You could even say I went a bit overboard with my risk management. At certain parties, I can only have three friends. (Yes, of course, you're still one of my closest friends. We're, like, totes tagged in a million pictures on Facebook.)
The cookies could possibly … sort of … probably … might be … are leftover from one of the dozens of philanthropies I organized. But it's just because I'm so darn generous. I have about 1,200 sheet signs to prove it.
Bill Clinton visited me this year! And Yo-Yo Ma (not to be confused with Yo Mama—come on, at least once you mispronounced it in your head) came too. Yo-Yo Ma was on an episode of Arthur, and Bill Clinton wasn't, so I guess I liked Yo Mama better. I mean, Yo-Yo Ma. Though I'm sure your mother is a very nice person, and I like her too.
Maybe I should talk more about the good things I did. My field hockey team was pretty awesome. Most of my sports teams do exceptionally well. OK, yeah, Wabash beat us at the Monon game. Again. But, then I remembered my girl-to-guy ratio. The rugby club even won its first game in five years. They also ate a rugby ball (seriously). Somehow those accomplishments are both impressive and upsetting.
But you know what's really notable? I finally stopped quoting Anchorman every five seconds. That's right, seven years later and its finally just kind of funny. Heck, I'm not even mad. That's amazing!
The Hangover Part II was less funny, but the monkey made me laugh. Additionally, Adam Sandler sold his soul to Hollywood to become a large female version of himself. And, of course, the final Harry Potter film came out and my childhood disappeared (during a scene in which all of the actors wore some kind of makeup that was supposed to make them appear old, but actually made me laugh instead).
I have to admit that my neighbors on all sides still seem to dislike me. No, not the cats. They're great. I like to let them into my dorms and give fleas to everyone. But the people, Santa—I just don't know. Could it be me? Am I not pretty enough? Maybe I could put up a half-completed fake entrance to campus by Phi Delt? Wait, no, I did that already.
I made myself better in a lot of ways, though. Really! I put up these giant metal doors at the new admissions building. In reality, they look really tacky, but that's not the point. You see, the sun shines so bright on them that all you see is this beautiful glow coming from the admissions building. Also, the prospective student folders are now black. I don't know why I changed those.
So far, I haven't made a very good case for myself, but I want you to know this: I'm constantly working to make myself a better place for students.
I hold open discussions, maintain small classrooms with thoughtful professors, provide counseling and encourage independent study. There you have it. That's my pitch. Now here's my gift request:
Santa, please buy me a new gym.
— Jorgenson is a junior from Shawnee, Kan., majoring in English writing and film studies.