Bottled-water addict pleads for ban reversal

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Alright, I have a confession to make.  I'm addicted to bottled water.  There, I said it.  Ever since the bottled water ban took effect last year I've been missing those plastic delights.  Despite my love for all things green, my secret passion for bottled water overwhelms my commitment to sustainability.  I can't live without it.   

I'm actually a bottled water connoisseur.  If you gave me a bottle of Dasani, Aquafina, or Ice Mountain while blindfolded, I could tell you the brand.  And if you didn't think water had a taste until now, you obviously haven't had enough bottled water.  There's no other way to say it. For me, bottled water is one of life's simple pleasures.  

I know I'm not the only one on this campus who NEEDS bottled water.  I constantly hear the cry to bring back the plastic.  It's not even a discussion of sustainability; it's a matter of free choice. It's about the fact that, as Amuricans, we should have the right to buy anything we damn well please. 

And it's not like bottled water is bad for the environment anyway, right?  Those liberal, socialist, hippies I work with on a day-to-day basis are lying about all that.  I think the correct term is "junk science."  Their biggest complaints are that bottled water is unnecessary waste and it burns fossil fuels or something.  I don't know - not my problem.  I just want my tasty, bottled water. 

Besides, bottles of water are more practical than any other drinking vessel.  Take, for example, these elitist reusable water bottles.  They're awful!  All that washing? I don't know about you, but how am I supposed to take the time out of my day to wash a bottle?  It's DePauw for heaven's sake; I'm busy being a frat bro.    

Honestly, it makes more sense to pay $1.49 for some tap water bottled in plastic, and throw it away after a few sips, than wash a reusable cup.  It's the crossroads of simple logic and sustainability.  

But don't worry DePauw, I know how to get that crisp, refreshing, bottled tap water back on campus.  Let's start a boycott!  Yes, that's right, a water boycott.  No more water until we get our bottled water back on campus.  It's a foolproof plan.

The administration will have to get bottled water back on campus or else they won't have a student body because we'll all be dead from dehydration!  You can't have a university without students! 

I'm tired of drinking this government-controlled tap water and so is this campus.  We want our plastic back!  President Casey, do the right thing, give this campus back the option of filling our local landfills.

— Hesterberg is a junior from Cincinatti, majoring in biology. He is a science research fellow.

opinion@thedepauw.com