There is a place at DePauw so secretive and so underused that many wonder if it even exists. Few freshmen know of it, and even fewer speak of it. Locals refer to it as "that really nice building they threw a bunch of money at." Vultures eye it from their perch on the quarry, waiting for students to drop dead from exhaustion. Even students in Intro to Photography arrive and take pictures there, thinking no one's ever done that before (we have).
The Prindle Institute for Ethics and Learning How To Do Other Stuff Good Too is only accessible by automobile. Once, a group of freshman walked there only to realize "It's far!" and "I'd rather walk to the library because I'm lazy," and "It's on the top of the hill and my legs hurt. Let's go back." Having gathered this information, I chose to travel by Corolla.
Upon arriving, I drove to the top of the hill and read signs that did not apply to my car. "Carpool Only" signs and an excessive amount of handicap parking signs took up most of the empty parking spaces. There were signs everywhere, blocking the scenery and breaking my spirit. After remembering that I am lazy, I chose to park in "Eco-friendly vehicles." Unless you drive a Hummer, it's very likely you'll justify your gas-guzzler as an eco-friendly vehicle once in your lifetime.
Once inside, I began to wonder if I had actually discovered the American version of Hogwarts - not just because I make sure to include a Harry Potter reference in each column, but also because they actually have a great hall, and a room full of books that no one will ever read. Following a thorough inspection, it became clear to me that the portraits were not moving, and this was, in fact, a non-magical building.
I spent hours walking around and talking about how great a place this was to study. I even studied for about five minutes. Once I finished my five-minute marathon, I came across a room with elevated seating and a podium in the middle. So this is where they filmed those scenes with the senators in the Star Wars films! You might say, "Now wait a second Dave, they couldn't have filmed them there. That makes no sense. Your articles aren't funny," or "Hold up, fella. I don't understand that reference at all. I only care about Jar Jar Binks." Firstly, I'm not that funny, but they keep asking me to write articles. Secondly, anyone that actually likes Jar Jar Binks probably adores Adam Sandler movies (I'm insulting you). Also, what else could that room be used for? Studying? Don't be silly.
After my inner monologue, I explored the bathroom near the unused bookcase room. To my happy surprise, it had showers ... and towels! After forcing myself to not take a shower, I wandered across the hallway and found a marvelous room full of food.
Pantry after pantry was filled to the brim with chips, candy, popcorn and more! The refrigerator held plenty of beverages. But this room was burdened with more signs - "Please do not take the food. It's for the staff," and "Honors system: please leave money when you grab something," and "Long haired freaky people need not apply." So I did the only thing that made sense. I took a bag of chips, a Nutter Butter, and quickly left the building.