A DePauw student arrives back in their room after a long, boring class. It’s March 30th, it’s snowing, and there’s only one thing on their mind. Stalk. People. Now. OK…that’s three words separated by periods for dramatic effect, but it’s basically one thought.
Ten years ago, we were still using binoculars. Even wizards had to use extendable ears. But now, thanks to the nerdy, red-headed, socially-inept Harvard student Mark Zuckerberg, we’re only a click away from instant stalking (or poking, depending on what you’re into). In case you’ve spent the last six years distributing “eProps” on Xanga, here’s a few tips on stalking.
Two words: mutual friends. I cannot begin to stress the significance of this handy tool enough. A mutual friend of one friend can sometimes lead you to a mutual friend of that mutual friend. Before you know it, you found the real Charlie Sheen’s Facebook through six degrees of separation. Thanks to Facebook, you are winning.
We all know that in order for you to continue living life, it is absolutely necessary that you review at least 500 pictures in less than five minutes. This feat is achieved with what I call the “Four-Flips-a-Second” method. With one finger on the right arrow key, and another hand gripping a beverage for constant hydration (with a straw), go through four pictures a second. Four flips a second, or simply 4FAS, allows a stalker to see 240 pictures a minute. This allows for over 500 views in less than three minutes. Already, you have saved time to stalk another friend or you can view 500 more pictures of the same friend. Who doesn’t want to see what someone looked like with braces six years ago? Have no fear, Facebook stalkers — the Zucky’s book of faces provides.
Some people know that you’re stalking them, probably because they are doing the stalking themselves. Nearly every piece of information is blocked. In some extreme cases, their profile picture contains the formidable giant question mark. How will you penetrate the multi-layered depths of their security? When will you have the ability to poke them any time of day, regardless of the occasion? Just where exactly did they work from May 2007 to August 2008? A few approaches exist:
1. Kindly ask a friend to befriend this future friend.
2. If this friend refuses to befriend a faux friend, do it yourself. Hack your buddy’s Facebook and request the friendship yourself! Is this going too far? No. How else would this person see your latest bumper sticker?
3. Befriend a family member. Nothing says “I like you and wish to stalk you,” like befriending someone’s younger, unaware sister.
4. Make a fake Facebook account. Pretty sure it’s somewhat illegal, but it’s for a good cause. Tip: Go with something simple, like John Smith. Chances are, if someone gets a request from Pocahontas or Freddie Fredrickson, they’re not going to accept it.
5. Actually meet the potential friend in person, and then become Facebook friends. This method is very old school, and requires social skills — so only use it as a last resort.
In the spirit of utilizing other friends to stalk friends, I’d like to stress the importance of the buddy system. Sure, you can stalk alone. But why stalk alone when you can crowd around a single computer with a group of fellow stalkers? Doing so encourages bonding amongst your real friends, whilst picking out every single detail of that-kid-from-third-period-junior-year-of-high-school.
One final tip for those especially detail-oriented stalkers that own Macs: simply put one finger on the command button while pushing two fingers forward on the mouse pad. You can now zoom in on that single zit that ruined Jim Does’s prom night.
For further stalking tips, you can poke me or send messages to Dave Jorgenson, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry at facebook.com
— Jorgenson is a sophomore from Shawnee, Kan., majoring in English writing and film studies.
