How to: Spend the rest of your Tiger Card dollars

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I placed my tray down and looked up at the employee working the register. There was a bagel, cream cheese, an omelet, a cereal bowl (or cup? I can't decide), a banana, hash browns, pancakes, an orange juice and water.

Why was there so much on my plate? Reason #1: I'm fat. Reason #2: I had $700+ left on my card with only a month remaining in school. Reason #3: I had forgotten to eat fourth meal, which sort of circles back to reason #1.

How did I manage to keep so much money on my card? Well, I got tired of The Den and the Hub. I ate at my fraternity (thanks to Julian, for the delicious and chocolate-y 6-layered cake). I pretended I was healthy and frequented Subway. I went through a number of Velveeta instant mac & cheese cups that really end up making you hungrier and have you digging into the Girl Scout cookie stash. But my purpose today is not to demonstrate how much a 6' 4" Norwegian can actually eat, but to provide options for those of you that just realized $500 is about to burn in Sodexo Hell. 

Method #1: Stock up for the summer. The Greencastle squirrels seem to be fattening up for the summer, so why can't you? For every candy bar you purchase, buy three more. While you're at it, buy some of that overpriced SEVEN DOLLAR cereal at The Den. You heard me, seven dollars. Not even the Cap'n is worth that. And if you buy milk, just get the whole jug. It's what the cow would want.

Method #2: Become everyone's new best friend. Are you awkward at socializing? Don't worry. Unless I've actually slept an adequate amount (so...never?), I cannot communicate fully with other human beings. Simply offer someone your card and say, "Spend." It's good practice for twenty years from now when your spoiled-rotten children just want to play, but you want to watch the football game in 4-D. It gets rid of them, and they still like you! 

Method #3: Give the card to freshman Camron Burns. That 6' 9" basketball player you see walking around campus is in desperate need of food. The guy has three lunches. Studies show that if you allow him to use your card for one day, $50 disappear instantly.

Method #4: Prepare for the end-of-the-world. This would not only require you buy massive amounts of food, but also the medicine at The Den. Who doesn't need 63 ChapSticks? If Indiana was suddenly exposed to the second ice age, your lips would be perfect for at least a few years.

Method #5: Donate it to the Putnam County Emergency Food Pantry in Greencastle. There's a table set up in the Hub. If I were to actually make a serious statement in this editorial, it would be that you should do this. But that's if I were to make a serious statement…  

Method #6: Buy all of the gummy bears. Normally, $14.99 a tub would be completely ridiculous. Normally. But it's the end of April and anything goes. Imagine if you could cover an entire wall of your room with containers of gummy bears. That's a world — or room — I want to one day live in.

I hope that we all learned something today. Maybe you learned that I'm secretly fat. Or perhaps you discovered the true potential of gummy bears. Some of you might even make a new friend by the end of the day. Just keep in mind that money doesn't grow on trees, it actually disappears in Sodexo's oversized wallet.

— Jorgenson is a sophomore from Shawnee, Kan., majoring in English writing and film studies. opinion@thedepauw.com